Question: I read your channel on compassion and it was just what I needed to hear today.
I have a question for Higgins related to that channel. I’ve
been trying to really take a look at how I view the world
and watch the words that leave my mouth, understanding, as
you have said, that these things shape my experiences. Well,
the more I step back and look at myself, the more I see how
my family has become used to being negative, and that
negative outlook has skewed their vision. At first I thought
it was just my husband as the source of the negativity, but
now I see him as mirror to myself, and we both reflect to
So now that I have stepped back and have taken a look at my
own habits and have begun to change them, I find it a
challenge to be in my husband’s company. He has the outlook
that he is not appreciated, that he works too hard for no
reward, and he doesn’t have a vision for his future. He
always seems to have a reason why something can’t be done. I
hear these words leave his mouth daily and when I try to
explain to him that we shape our reality, he doesn’t hear
it, and I think he doesn’t want to. I think he wants to hold
onto being a victim, and I am not in that place anymore. The
more I pull away from my husband (because I don’t know what
else to do), the more sullen and angry he becomes, blaming
me for his loneliness and unhappiness. I intend for my
children to see the truth and live in a place of compassion.
With their father as an example of the opposite, I’m not
sure what to do.
So my question is, how do I maintain my viewpoint of
compassion, achieve my dreams, and be a good example for my
children, while living with a man who does not want the
same? How do I love him when I don’t like being around him?
Higgins: There is so much involved in the answer to this question that we will break it down into parts and respond first to the largest question which is: Do you want your marriage to succeed?
We want you to understand that there is a solution for every problem but if you have given up on your marriage no amount of well-intentioned ‘work’ on your part will solve the issues you are facing.
To determine your true response sit quietly and let your mind relax. Listen for your heart response. If your heart finds relief in staying in the marriage (and we believe that it will) then our answer(s) to your question(s) will make sense and you will be able to find solutions that work for you.
The importance of re-determining the level of commitment you have for your marriage is paramount since that commitment is what determines your true intention and desire for the outcome of this entire situation.
Received April 16, 2012 at Lake Goodwin, Washington