Again last night Higgins asked me to count backwards to twenty prior to going to sleep. I haven’t made it to twenty yet. I fall asleep somewhere around 19.6. What is at twenty that is so hard to achieve?
Last night, for example, I started at zero. Counting backwards was swift and easy. As long as my mind was quiet it was one count per breath. The closer I got to negative twenty the more my mind seemed to squirm. I experienced a long pause at negative 18. At nineteen, I was somehow prompted (compelled might be a better word) to count by tenths. Negative nineteen point one. Negative nineteen point two. And so on.
Negative nineteen point six is the last number I remember.
C: Good morning, Higgins. Yesterday, you asked me to pre-pave our conversation which I attempted to do. You were not satisfied in our connection yesterday. You asked me not to post the conversation saying it was not clear and suggested I go back to bed and count to negative twenty.
I was unable to reach negative twenty, only making it to negative nineteen and some tenths before falling to sleep. The same thing happened last night, I made it to negative nineteen point six.
H: Ask your question, Friend.
C: Will you please continue on the topic of pre-paving? Or on getting to the root of the problem?
H: We have reached the root of the problem. We, and we includes you, are sitting (simmering, stewing) in it right now.
C: Will you clarify please?
H: Pre-paving means thinking about some aspect of your future, near or far, and manufacturing a sense of gratitude about it. When you stew on a topic in your mind, you have no trouble at all carrying a sense of frustration or injustice for hours. Do you know what we mean by that?
C: Yes. For example, I replay events in my mind for hours and repeat the same negative feeling over and over.
H: Exactly. Pre-paving is finding gratitude for something that hasn’t happened yet and carrying that feeling of gratitude with you while you play the event that hasn’t happened yet over and over in your mind.
We do not expect you to play it over for hours, minutes is fine. Just long enough to get the Universe turning in your direction.
Practice again now.
C: (I spent some time trying to calm my mind and find gratitude of any kind.)
H: Did you notice what happened? You could not find much in the way of gratitude. Your mind slipped into a groove that it is comfortable with. What was it?
C: My mind somehow latched on to a memory that brought me feelings of frustration and irritation. There is another emotion attached with the memory, being treated badly but in a way that is usury. I know that usury usually means interest on money loaned but it is the best word I can find. The situation was a doctor, who was an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist, was literally looking up my nose. He attempted to put a little plastic tube into my sinuses to look around but my nasal tissue was swollen and he was not successful in passing the scope beyond the nares of my nose.
It took literally less that sixty second for this to occur and when I got the bill he had charged me (my insurance company) one thousand and fifty dollars! He is a specialist! He could have anticipated there was no way that tube was going to pass! I did speak to him about it with no success and until today I feel powerless over that situation. It occurred about three years ago.
H: This is very important.
H; Notice where your emotions went easily.
H: Lack of control.
C: I feel as though you are showing me something huge.
H: We feel the rapid ping of your heart as you attempt to absorb this. Where your mind is going, this is correct.
C: My mind is attempting to extrapolate this to the human race. We feel used and abused and so we lash out in anger and frustration. Anger is not a word I wanted to use to reflect on that incident but it is true. Until today I feel angry because I felt powerless.
H: That is correct. Humans feel angry to avoid slipping into powerless. Anger is the stronger emotion.
We are going to stop here and allow you another day to practice finding the emotion that is gratitude.
C: I did notice yesterday that gratitude feels good. Hate has a feeling to it. Fear has a feeling to it. Gratitude has a feeling to it. Gratitude feels good.
H: Very nicely done. Many years ago someone asked the difference between emotion and feeling. We could not explain it. It is a thing you feel and then you know.
Please move on now with your day. It is important for you to apply what we have shared with you.
It is okay to post this conversation. It is clear.