A clear routine is unfolding. At night, as soon as I get into bed, I begin a backwards count. Sometimes they choose the number for me to start at and sometimes I just start at zero. Last night zero was the right number somehow so I counted zero, negative one, etc… I counted backwards to negative twenty without any sort of stoppage from them. It was sort of like sliding to negative twenty: very smooth, very easy. When I realized I had at last counted to negative twenty I felt breathless for a moment and waited for something to happen. Nothing did.
After a few minutes of lying quietly in awareness, Higgins prompted me to start again. Zero, negative one, etc…
I’m not sure how they do this. Sometimes I feel as though I am breathing but when they want to, they stop or start my breathing. (It is similar in a way to choosing the number I start counting from. I pick a number that seems right but if I’m wrong, they clearly choose a number.)
On the second backwards count, I achieved negative nine without incident. For some reason they caused me to pause after negative nine for a moment. On negative ten, I breathed in, then out. Out. And couldn’t breathe back in. Perhaps it felt a little like paralysis. I just stopped on the outbreath after counting negative ten.
There was what seemed to me a long pause. When I finally needed to breathe again, I breathed in. Repeat at negative eleven, negative twelve and so on. Negative twenty they held me on the outbreath for what seemed like forever. I felt my heart beating and blood pumping through my veins. I acknowledged being conscious. I can’t describe exactly what that means… I checked inside my brain to make sure I was there. Then, just when I was beginning to think maybe panicking was a good option, they let me breathe.
We repeated this scenario several times and I began to get the impression that this is practice. When we are prepared for the actual go-live date of the Knowledge Phase, this is how they will relax me and prepare me for their taking over. I fell asleep, of course, after perhaps six of these.
When I awakened in the night, about midnight, we did it again and this time, they were even more clear about the purpose of this exercise. They are helping me get used to the idea of allowing something to take over, and simultaneously showing me exactly how it will be done. (I have wondered, or maybe worried, about this since the beginning of our relationship. I am not one to let go easily.)
I awakened one more time in the night. We did the count again several times. Likely the total was a dozen or more throughout the night.
This is such a long post that I shall post it as stand alone with the conversation I am about to have with them posted the following day.