Written Thursday, January 13, 2005
I had a vision, it may have been Tuesday morning, that I couldn’t read clearly. But the two words I could decipher were awake and beware, or aware.
I was checking the batch today at work. It was about 3 PM. I picked up the last vancomycin 1 gram and it seemed funny. After looking at it for awhile I peeled the label off. (The label underneath read) phenylephrine 10 mg.
Note: ‘the batch’ is what we call the intravenous compounds we make for patients in the hospital. It would consist of things such as a powdered antibiotic reconstituted and added to intravenous fluid. As the pharmacist, I am responsible for giving a final check and authorizing it to be dispensed to a patient. Phenylephrine is used to support blood pressure. Vancomycin is an antibiotic.
January 3, 2005
I had another, very brief, vision today. It was sometime during the day. I sat down on my bed for a moment. The word was “five”. I almost totally ignored it.
January 4, 2005
Dad called today. He called from the VA emergency department where he is being admitted for a pulmonary embolism. (My brother) and I are going to meet tomorrow and go see him.
January 5, 2005
Visited Dad at the VA. He was in the medical intensive care unit (MICU). It was room 5. Right outside the nursing station. Not good. When I got there, someone came in to do a test for deep vein thrombosis but the test was not conclusive. He has had a bilateral PE and will probably go home on oxygen in about three days.
(Please imagine this scenario: I walk onto the unit and am looking for my dad and as my eyes roam the unit looking for direction, I see my dad looking from his bed out the door at me. I look back at him and his face is framed by the door with the number “5” on the frame. It shook me really and truly.)
This is another current journal entry relative to Higgins’ (hopefully) imminent overt return:
March 31, 2021
I awakend (that is to say Tucker, my dog, repeatedly threw his body at the bed and panted really hard long enough to awaken me) at about 11:30 PM. I still wasn’t back to sleep by 12:30 so I got up and did 1/2 hour of stretching to a DVD, then meditated until I was sleepy. It was very effective for putting me back to sleep.
During the meditation a very nice, friendly, cozy energy sat down in me. It felt a lot like when I was a working student for Melle van Brugen and got a horse warmed up for him before he got on. This pressure settled in first, then The Angel came. Only I soon realized it wasn’t The Angel. I asked who it was because she felt so much the same.
I was only able to determine that ‘she’ is going to help me with radioactivity. I specifically asked about radioactive nuclear waste, but clearly that is incomplete. It is radioactivity in general.
An aside about the stretching DVD: If you haven’t been introduced to Miranda Esmonde-White’s Essentrics it is definitely a thing to know about. It is a stretching program that I have found to be extremely helpful and strangely pleasant. I purchased the 4 disc set that includes Posture, Pain Free, Mobility and Bone Strengthening. I just can’t say enough nice things about this gentle stretching program. Higgins has said many times to come to meditations ‘gently exercised’ and each of these 30 minute stretching routines produces that gently exercised feeling that they have talked about so many times.
This is a tiny portion of my entry from December 31, 2004. The entire entry is long and pretty weird but not weird in an interesting way.
“According to the horoscope I read in the Aquarius for 2005 book I saw in downtown Seattle I am going to experience a life transformation in 2005.
“I have just smudged my house in preparation for this. I am excited to greet whatever it is. I hope it’s good.”
December 17, 2004 I wrote:
I woke up this morning and almost immediately had another of those ‘letters into words’ visions. The letters were scrambled and flying by and I was trying to decide whether they were yellow or white (I couldn’t). The letters didn’t stop right in front of my eyes to form words this time, but as they floated around I had more an impression of names. Three names I could get a clear sense of: William, Bill, Marti. End of Vision.
Went to Seattle and spent the day with (my cousin). Enjoyed myself. Before I left I called Mom and told her to call Uncle Bill. While I was with (my cousin) I learned that Uncle Bill had experienced another small stroke this past week.
(Note that Bill and William are the same person, my uncle. Marti is his wife. They are now both deceased.)
One of the things I remember experiencing while awakening to Higgins was depression and anxiety. Eventually, one of the co-leaders of Sacred Circle said something that made sense. They said, “These awakenings are not just an entry in a new way of being. They are also a death to the old way of being. Maybe it is better viewed as birth, but either way, something is happening to us that we sense but don’t understand. Our society does not have words for it, or even a concept of it, and that leads to this fear and feeling alone. Had we a better way of receiving these awakenings, they would be a source of happiness and joy.” This person then likened spiritual awakenings to life transitions. Notably puberty brings changes that can be overwhelming even though we all know that puberty is an important step in becoming our full selves.
From December 29, 2004:
Yesterday and again this morning I feel very depressed. I thought I was okay with these visions and things-even excited about it-but since I can’t talk to anyone about it (Mom being the exception) I feel far away from people.
I seem to want to spend most of my time with my eyes closed. I’m certain that if I look in just the right manner, like the way one looks at a 3-D picture, I’ll see another plain.
This post is my journal entry from December 10, 2004:
I awakened this morning and while my eyes were still closed, letters start swirling past my eyes. They are rushing past and pretty soon “MONK’S” stay up right in front of my eyes as clear as a bell, while all these letters are cruising towards me on the periphery. Then “ANSWER” flashes. Then all these words shoot past. I can’t read any of them. They rush past and then it’s blurry and I open my eyes.
What is “MONK’S ANSWER”? (It seems to me the letters were yellow on a black background.)
This is my entry for December 5, 2004:
This morning I awoke and lay in bed with my eyes closed. As I lay still, a green eye came clearly into view. It startled me. A nose came with it and appeared to be wolf. (Not a wolf, the essence of wolf.) Last night, I prayed again for my power totem to appear. I thought, “Oh darn. It’s wolf.” I wanted a leopard but wolf is good.
(Note: Can you imagine my rudeness? Wolf was far too common. I wanted a leopard because of their stunning coat.)
Wolf looked around inside me, not judging, just looking at what was there. He left. By that time I decided wolf was a good totem so I said, “Welcome.” (Like you get to choose… I laugh at myself now.)
A few moments later eyes came to me one after another. I can’t remember them all and I had to guess what animal they were because most just showed their eye. Owl showed an entire head. After owl I thought bald eagle would stop but it was just an impression. No eagle. Same with bear–just an impression that bear was coming by but didn’t come in. It was as though they were on they other side of a veil.
I saw a set of eyes above water that I thought was frog. Later, I saw frog in entire profile. A whale, I don’t know what variety, rolled over so his eye peered out of the water at me. A domestic cat appeared and its face morphed into a wild cat then back to domestic and then to wild. I saw the domestic cat’s full face but just the eye of the wild cat so I don’t know what kind of cat it was. There were other animals, I think, but I can’t remember them.